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Most Recent Confessions on "abuse"...
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12003.
I am in an abusive relationship. I feel like I give way more than I get back...in fact I feel like all I get back is hurt. He doesn't hit me, but he still hurts me daily and I don't know how to leave. I have always considered myself strong and I don't (or I never have before) show any signs of an addictive personality accept for with him. I've never been so hurt by anyone in my life, I've never put up with so much, but I've also never felt this kind of love before. I'm partially scared that I wont find anything like him again, but than again that's probably a good thing. I've walked away from people in the past, but then I've regretted things. I guess I just don't know where to draw the line and when to really just say no. He's like a child, he gets away with hurting me because I've let him in the past and when I try to stop him he has a tantrum. Maybe I'll try women for a while.
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11906.
I was 19 when I met Jon, the guy that was the love of my life for over 2 years, or so I thought. Things went well for 4 months, but then he started beating me. I didn't realize it at the time, but Jon had a bad cocaine habit. He'd threaten me with another beating, and sometimes even death, if I didn't go out and sell myself for money, which he used to buy his coke. I did this for about 5 months.
After that, he decided that he wasn't making enough money, so he told me that he had some friends who made adult films, and that I was to start starring in them, and if I didn't, then he'd kill me. He said that no one would notice that I was missing since I didn't have any family where we were, and the people he let me associate with (he was always with me) were all friends of his. They knew that I didn't want to be in porn, but most of them that tried to be nice to me were scared of Jon, too.
I made over 9 adult films. Jon would talk to his friends and force me to make the dirtiest, most perverted films. If a film wasn't hardcore enough, I couldn't be in it. The same thing applied to the men that I slept with. At first, I worked the street, but then Jon found elderly men, or obese men, or just some man that was dirty, and then he'd force me to sleep with him for money. Jon loved to degrade me, and he knew exactly how to do it. He'd even force me to take sedatives and other drugs that he got ahold of, so I'd be "easier" to handle.
I'm free of Jon now, but the pain still lives on. I have nightmares and I'm scared to death that he'll find me. I write this because I need someone to talk to. I have both physical and mental scars from his abuse. I'm scared to be with a man. I feel disgusting and ashamed. Even when I tried to leave me, I'd just get beaten more severely. He's threatened to find me and kill me. He's threatened to kill my parents and sister.
Everyday, I try to forgive myself a little more. During the first few months, I should have seen the warning signs. By the time I knew the true Jon, it was too late. I take comfort in knowing that Jon will pay for what he did; if not in this life, then the next.
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11805.
When I was fifteen I used to give a cousin who was staying with us backrubs. He was eight and cute as a button. By the end of the summer I was licking and sucking his cock and ass, and he was jerking me off with hand lotion. It happened again next summer, and I convinced him to sixty-nine with me with him on top. He moved away and eventually got into alot of trouble as a teen. I still feel guilty.
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