11873.
I'm angry at my boyfriend, but I'm mostly angry at myself. Myself for being such a weak person. Weak in the sense of fucking up everything. Making things harder on myself and then giving up. My sins?Too many, but the one I'm most sorry for was messing up not only my life, but the man I loves life too. Im sure you peaopl don't think Junkies write or think like this. I'm sure you all think we're just a bunch of fuck ups that hate the world. Well let me tell you fucks something, being a junkie is the worst feeling in the world!!I hate sticking needles in my veins, I hate seeing flashes of pictures, or hearing some word that instantaneously draws me to a cringing stomach pain and raving for drugs. I hate the fact they I will never know what a normal life is like. What it would be like to go day by day and have the strength to say no. I have been through withdrawals, thrown away all needles, resulting in horse needles that will cover the bathroom floors with blood from my veins. I can't stop it. I didn't use to use needles. I was dating a guy, still am, was still on drugs, kept lying to himm, kept denying it, but he had been clean for 4 yrs, but every night coming home to his girlfriend who was fucked up made him crave it. Made him feel as if he had to do it to stay with her. So he did, and then we went downhill together. Driving downtown,we get into such horrible fights and he'd get so angry at me for making him do drugs again.I remember like it was yesterday.Driving downtown, trying to jump out of the car to get away from him, having soda poured all over me, then getting too fucked up to care anymore. I wish I had never done drugs, but then I wouldn't be who I am. I wish. I wish I weren't a junkie. Wish in one hand, shit in another. See which one fills up faster. Been to programs, been through withdrawals. Want to be better, but it's a lot easier said than done. The only reason we stayed together that hole time was because of drugs. Is it still real now? About to move back in together after getting clean, but are we still in love?Is it still real. When we fell in love, we were clean. Or at least he was. We will love each other like we did before we started doing drugs together?See, it's not fun and games to be a junkie.
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